LAKEWOOD–Looking for something to do this weekend for dad on Father’s Day? The Ocean Signal has some exciting ideas including breakfast, dinner and a cruise along the historic Toms River waterfront.

by Frank Cipriani

I was enjoying a little online chat with my editor when he informed me that he had to go mow his lawn. He left the chat before I could warn him of the consequences of this antiquated and barbaric practice.

Turns out, that lawns were invented in France, the nation that brought us smelly cheese and creeping socialism, and so many other un-American practices, like atheism and dudes in tights. Lawns were invented so that, from a distance, castle keepers could see that enemies were approaching. In the mid-nineteenth century, Americans wanted to imitate the Frenchified landscaping which had, by then, taken hold in Scotland and England. The wet climate and more northerly latitudes made lawns a more organic choice in Europe than they were in the United States.

I’ve been reading the dire news from Europe about how the world economies are going south and how, because we are no longer independent of the global vicissitudes of the marketplace, we may experience a renewed economic crash, just like we did at the end of the Bush presidency. If we do, it will be thanks to our dependence on the Europeans, the same people who brought lawns (and smallpox) to North America.

And this time, there will be no bailout.

In other bad news, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration predicts an above-active hurricane season. Not to say the sky is falling, but if it’s going to fall, it turns out the worst thing you could do is mow your lawn.

What does this mean for us here along the river? Will it mean empty grocery shelves, or more long lines for gas? Will it mean that we won’t be able to send our children to college or enjoy our retirement? Will I have to drive four hours north (again) to watch “Breaking Amish?”

I don’t think it will be quite as bad as all that, especially for those of us who practice “liberty gardening.”

Therefore, I humbly suggest that each and every one of you tear out your lawns.

Think about it – grass is useless. Lawn maintenance costs money and gives nothing in return but a boring monoculture of endless steppe and greenery which demands mowing, fertilizing and watering, reducing us all to meaningless serfdom when we could be inside inventing a new form of math, or some alternate form of energy, or even publishing a newspaper. Heartier plants seed themselves in this chemical-rich environment, and the homeowner is forced to counter with even stronger chemicals. More than 60 percent of all these chemicals never reach the roots of the grass, and instead are washed into Barnegat Bay, where they contribute to the rise of jellyfish populations and algae blooms and force a die-off of fish and shellfish in the bay and ocean.

Grass, it turns out, has two different processes by which to propagate. It can be seeded, or it can reproduce by runner. Most homeowners are restricted by law from propagating their grass by seed, although this is the best method by which to maintain a thick, drought-resistant lawn. This is why most lawns propagate through underground runners. In some areas, where the soil is clay and has poor drainage, allowing grasses to go to seed is a bad idea, but in our area, which is mostly sand, local varieties of turfgrass (not hybrids) can be bred to survive our specific conditions of blistering summers, periods of drought, and wet springs and autumns. The truth is, most of the turfgrass and perennial lawn grasses we grow here in Ocean County could not survive without continued care and mowing, an absurd waste of water, and accompanied by environmentally unfriendly blasts of chemicals.

So even if you insist on growing a lawn, you really shouldn’t mow it until after it has gone to seed. This way, at least, you’re reseeding with turfgrass which is best adapted to survive you very particular little biome. If you do decide to let your grass go to seed, you can do it in patches, allowing the part of your lawn with the worst conditions for growth to complete its life cycle. This assures that any grass that does manage to survive is the heartiest grass for your particular lawn. Then, cut it gradually, collect the seeds and scatter them throughout the rest of your lawn. The best times to do this are in the spring and fall.

Personally, I hate lawns, and have grown useful edible plants instead, much to the chagrin of my neighbors. This includes wild edibles like Evening Primrose, which I harvest in the spring and freeze. Milkweed, another wild edible, attracts butterflies, and can be eaten as a potherb. Its unopened flower buds can be cooked in two changes of water and served like broccoli, and the pods it produces can be pickled. I also allow mullein to grow in my yard. The tea helps relieve my asthma. This summer, I will be writing a series of articles dealing with these wonderful “volunteers” which demand so little and give back so much – these are the plants that can feed your family in economically challenging times.

So by the time the next disaster comes, be it environmental or economic, you’ll be able to stroll out into your yard and gather some useful plants that come to you, free of charge, and pretty much maintenance free as well. While those McMansion high-falutin’ neighbors of yours struggle to fill the pantry, you’ll be sitting pretty. See, grass isn’t good eating, so unless your neighbor happens to be a cow, when the next disaster that hits, you’ll be the envy of the neighborhood.

The next time you’re summoned to mow the lawn, just show this article to your well-meaning loved one or neighbor. Just say “no” to lawn mowing.  You’re not being lazy. You’re an American, baby, a Jersey Shore American, doing your patriotic duty by letting those so-called “weeds” help you declare your independence. you’re saying “no” to Euro-culture, and socialism, and smelly cheese.

And if your sissified neighbors complain? Just tell them it isn’t an overgrown lawn, it’s a strategic alternative food reserve system, and they can come over and graze when disaster hits. Their eyes will tear with gratitude. And if they don’t? Well, the town usually gives you ten days to mow before they levy fines.

Despite the governor’s statements that “every boardwalk up and down the Jersey Shore” would be open in time for this weekend, at least several inland boardwalk areas, including Ocean Gate and the marina boardwalk section in Beachwood, both on the Toms River, remained under partial reconstruction at press time.

BERKELEY – Central Regional TV Productions students won county and state contests and film festival awards for their video productions surrounding the events of Hurricane Sandy.

Senior Austin Steinbrick recently took the award for Best Documentary in the Ocean County Library Film Festival held at the Toms River Branch of the Ocean County Library.  Over 140 entries were received from around the world and only 43 were chosen for submission.  Austin’s video told the story of Hurricane Sandy using footage recorded by students and staff from the Central Regional High School which included eye witness accounts of the devastating events on the day of the storm.

In addition, Austin received an Honorable Mention along with senior Nicholas Castrovilly for the New Jersey State Attorney General’s PSA Contest Proms and Alcohol Don’t Mix Contest.

High school junior, Marc Wittig, won a Certificate of Excellence at the Ocean County Teen Arts Festival for his Hurricane Sandy video.  The Ocean County Teen Arts Festival is a showcase and competition held at Ocean County College.  Student works are judged and critiqued where the best in show receive a Certificate of Excellence.  The Central Regional High School TV Program has received an Award of Excellence eight times over the last twelve years.

Student works are available for viewing at the school district website at www.centralreg.k12.nj.us by linking to the “video on demand” tab.  All of our students’ Hurricane Sandy videos can be watched on Channel 21.

Community Calendar

Council Meeting

The Mayor and Council will hold their next meeting on Wednesday, May 8^th at 1 pm.  Meetings are held in the main council room at the municipal building and are open to the public.  From time to time, a portion of the meetings may be closed to the public to discuss personnel, contracts and/or matters of litigation.

Berkeley Branch Library

Calendar of Events

Art of Bonsai Workshop

Celebrate World Bonsai Day on Monday, May 7^th at 6 pm and learn the art of creating your own bonsai.  Members of the Deep Cut Bonsai Club will provide students with a plant to work on.  This program is recommended for ages 13 – 18.  Registration is required.

The Yarn Dolls

On Mondays, May 6^th, 13^th and 20^th from 6:30 – 8:30 pm join in and knit or crochet with the Yarn Dolls.  This group meets once a week to brush up on an old skill, meet new people and have a few laughs.  You are welcome to bring your unfinished projects with you.

Cuddle Up for 1’s and 2’s!

Cuddle up with your little one on Wednesday, May 8^th at 10:30 am and share stories, rhymes, songs and finger-plays.  This program is for children ages 12 to 36 months.  Please register, as class size is limited.

Music and Movement

Preschoolers, ages 1 to 5, and their parents are welcome to enjoy rhythm activities and music with Joan Seele-Goold on Thursday, May 9^th at 10:30 am.  Class size is limited for this program.  Registration is required.

Children’s Book Character Scavenger Hunt

Stop in the library anytime between Monday, May 13^th and Saturday, May 18^th and see if you can find pictures of your favorite children’s book characters, and then claim a small prize.  No registration is required.

Teen Advisory Board (TAB) Meeting

On Tuesday, May 14^th at 6 pm, stop in the library and chat with your peers and the teen librarian about the library.  This is a fun way to meet other teens in the neighborhood, earn community service hours and work on library programs.  Recommended for ages 13 – 18.  New members are always welcome.

Dancing & Bumping the ‘Chute

Go to the library for an action packed session of dance and parachute activities on Wednesday, May 15^th at 2 pm.  This is a fun activity for the parents and children ages 2 – 4.  Please register.

Woof Tales:  Read to a Dog

On Thursday, May 16^th at 4 pm, all young readers are welcome to take turns reading to the therapy dogs.  Please register.

Please call (732) 269-2144 to register or visit www.theoceancountylibrary.org

Read more about the cause: http://thinkingofyouthursdays.blogspot.com/

Here are the dates for the Jeans Days:
Middle School – Friday, April 19.
High School – Friday, April 26.

Central staff members will also wear green ribbons on their respective “Jeans Day” since it is one of Sandy Hook Elementary’s school colors.

BERKELEY TOWNSHIP -The Central Regional High School Guidance Department has incorporated the robust, interactive college search engine offered by College Board called “BigFuture” as a link on our high school guidance webpage to assist students and families with their college decision-making process.
College Board is a not-for-profit membership organization committed to excellence and equity in education whose mission is to connect students to college success and opportunity.
The goal of the program is to assist Central Regional students in finding the right college in order to succeed in today’s world. In support of the College Board goal of having 55 percent of Americans with a college degree by 2025, they have launched BigFuture, the new, free, comprehensive website that improves the college planning process for students, families, and educators.
Once you link to Big Future from our high school guidance webpage, the program will guide the student through the college planning process, making it easier and less overwhelming. The step-by-step approach demystifies college planning, particularly for those students who are the first generation in their families to attend college.
Students using BigFuture answer questions and make choices about their own needs and preferences. Easy-to-use search tools and informative videos guide them through the process. The large collection of videos contains real-world advice from college students and expert educators.
“We know the best source of insight into the college planning process is from those who have experienced it,” said Roy Ben-Yoseph, the College Board’s executive director of digital products. “That’s why we asked students to collaborate with us on the site design and interactive tools that guide students as they find, afford and enroll in a college that is right for them.”
BigFuture has a robust college search tool that helps students find the schools that are best for their needs and compare their advantages. Because great education occurs in thousands of colleges and universities, BigFuture can find college options for any high school graduate.
The resource also has a scholarship search tool and extensive information about ways students can pay for college. “College is more accessible than many people think,” Ben-Yoseph said. “Families using the resource learn ways others have paid for college: securing scholarships, enrolling at a community college, saving for college and finding grants and loans. They also will see that most families do not pay the full sticker price for college.”
Students using BigFuture develop a customizable action plan that tells them exactly what to do and when.
The high school guidance supervisor, Darryl Heale, adds, “Since our counselors and teachers have a great influence on the students’ college planning, we have incorporated the best tool available that can be also used by our staff as a resource for information.”
During a time when college planning and application has grown increasingly complex, BigFuture’s step-by-step approach makes college planning easier to navigate. Visit our website today at www.centralreg.k12.nj.us and start to make inroads into college planning.

In particular, the new School Performance Reports seek to:

• Focus attention on metrics that are indicative of college and career readiness.
• Benchmark a school’s performance against other peer schools that are educating similar students, against statewide outcomes, and against state targets to illuminate and build upon a school’s strengths and identify areas for improvement.
• Improve educational outcomes for students by providing both longitudinal and growth data so that progress can be measured as part of an individual school’s efforts to engage in continuous improvement.

TOMS RIVER REGIONAL SCHOOL DISTRICT

BEACHWOOD ELEM
CEDAR GROVE ELEM
EAST DOVER ELEM
HOOPER AVE ELEM
JOSEPH A CITTA ELEM
NORTH DOVER ELEM
PINE BEACH ELEM
SILVER BAY ELEMENTARY
SOUTH TOMS RIVER ELEM
TOMS RIVER HIGH EAST
TOMS RIVER HIGH NORTH
TOMS RIVER HIGH SOUTH
TOMS RIVER INTERMEDIATE E
TOMS RIVER INTERMEDIATE N
TOMS RIVER INTERMEDIATE S
WALNUT STREET ELEM
WASHINGTON ST ELEM
WEST DOVER ELEM

JACKSON TOWNSHIP SCHOOL DISTRICT

CARL W GOETZ MIDDLE SCH
CHRISTA MCAULIFFE MID SCH
CRAWFORD RODRIGUEZ ELEM
ELMS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
HOWARD C JOHNSON ELEM
JACKSON LIBERTY HIGH
JACKSON MEMORIAL HIGH
LUCY N HOLMAN ELEM
SWITLIK ELEM
SYLVIA ROSENAUER ELEM

BRICK TOWNSHIP SCHOOL DISTRICT

BRICK COMM PRIM LEARN CTR
BRICK TWP HIGH
BRICK TWP MEMORIAL HIGH
DRUM POINT ROAD ELEM
EMMA HAVENS YOUNG ELEM
HERBERTSVILLE ELEM
LAKE RIVIERA MIDDLE
LANES MILL ELEM
MIDSTREAMS ELEM
OSBORNVILLE ELEM
VETERANS MEM ELEM
VETERANS MEM MIDDLE SCH

BERKELEY TOWNSHIP SCHOOL DISTRICT

BAYVILLE ELEM
BERKELEY TOWNSHIP ES
CLARA B WORTH ELEM
H & M POTTER ELEM

CENTRAL REGIONAL SCHOOL DISTRICT

CENTRAL REGIONAL HIGH
CENTRAL REGIONAL MIDDLE